In the challenge for survival in society, a human may use blame-shifting, which is an act of attributing a personal failure to another human or event. Camouflaging this innocuous behaviour, blame-shifting is pandemic over an extensive area of the planet and plays an influential role in shaping the ecosystem of human relationships, sometimes even causing the chain reactions leading to the outburst of disasters. Blame shifting is easy to spot. It hops back and forth over several entities. The most prominent sign to look for his finger-pointing. You are more likely to find it alongside certain personality traits. Pessimists and Narcissists are more likely than others to ditch responsibility for their mistakes. Blame shifting can thrive in a closed small environment, but because of its contagious nature, it can spread in large organizations. Researchers have found that when people resolve to blame-shifting by a politician, they are more likely to copy the behaviour themselves. In one study, they split participants into two groups and read a news clip about a failure of former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. In one group’s clip, the governor took full ownership of the failure. Though in the other group, the governor blamed special interest advocates for his failure. Later, when participants wrote about an unrelated personal failure, the group exposed to blame-shifting were twice as likely as the other group to blame someone else for their own mistakes. Researchers called it to “blame contagion”. When the spread of blame-shifting isn't controlled, it becomes embedded in the culture of a group and leads to lower creativity, reduction in innovation and poor performance. It can even cause great consequences. The Columbia Space Shuttle disaster in 2003, for example, is hooked up to an outbreak of excuse-making and finger-pointing in NASA’s culture over a while. Now people shift blame to protect their self-image, but it backfires. Serial blame-shifters are recognized as a narcissist. Research shows we perceive leaders and managers who ditch responsibility for their mistakes are yet as powerless, but you can be better! With careful actions, you can reduce the prevalence of blame-shifting.
Physiological reasons for Blaming!
The primary concern of people that goes to a place when something terrible occurs is whose flaw is it, right? I’d rather it be MY fault than no one’s fault. You know why? It will give me control. If you enjoy blaming, this is where you should stick your fingers in your ear and do the “nanna” thing, cos I’m getting ready to ruin it. Here’s what we know from research. Blame is a way of realizing that discomfort and pain. It has an inverse relationship with accountability. Accountability, by definition, is a vulnerable process. It means me calling you and saying, “it hurt My feelings about this.”, and talking, not blaming. Blaming is a way that we discharge anger. Individuals who accuse an impressive deal only have the relentlessness and coarseness to consider individuals responsible, because we burn through the entirety of our effort seething for 15 seconds and making sense of whose issue something is. Blaming is very corrosive in relationships. It’s one reason we miss our opportunities for empathy because when something happens and we’re hearing a story, we’re not listening. We’re in the place of making the connections as we can about whose fault something was.
Blame is Self-Destructive
Blaming is not effective in protecting self-esteem, solving problems, or improving relationships. The reality of our responsibility comes back to us again and again. Students who blame their professors continue to do and may fail their classes. People who complain about their bosses, Co-workers, and work conditions are more likely to lose their job or be passed over for promotion. Business owners who blame customers may end up going out of business. People who blame their spouses for problems may become rejected and divorced. When these things happen to a person who blames, the evidence for personal failure is obvious. Several relationships later, this may trigger a desire to make improvements but is more likely to result in emotional problems, physical problems, or drug or alcohol abuse. Say you have a habit of allowing the other person to chide you, chances are that you will reject that person. “Nothing is loving about allowing yourself to be someone’s victim”.
Why Your Partner Blames You!
You know, when you blame the other person in the relationship for what’s happened and they blame you back, you know you got yourself a colossal of problems because the blame game has just got to stop. How are you going to solve the problem when you keep pointing at each other? But to stop the blame problem, we need to look at what’s happening? Why it’s happening and what to change? Two people who blame each other in a relationship, that is just like a slow, painful separation because as long as you keep pointing the finger at the other person, you are pushing them away. You’re getting a hold of who they are and therefore moving them away every time you blame them. Now, there’s a difference between blame, discussion and accountability. Blame to me is where you are pointing at the other person and using a lot of emotion to make them the problem and then they do the same to you and you in return do the same. So, the problem now is between the 2 of you. “Now, here’s a suggestion for you to change that outlook in what you’re doing. What if you take the same people, you and the other person, and you position yourselves next to each other and put the problem upfront? So you both could work on solving the problem?”
Let’s assume there are two couples A and B. A is a couple who will have issues and is on the path to separation. whereas B will get closer to each other, work with each other and be able to solve more problems and have progress. Couple A will put the problems between them and therefore will blame each other, after some time they will be mad at each other, furious, stressed, and lonely and distant. Whereas couple B right here, will talk, they will share, they will brainstorm, they will forgive each other, they will confess and own their part in the issue, that has just happened. It’s 2 unique experiences between this couple. You know, this couple B down here, they realize that half of what happened. That it was theirs and theirs. Like they own their part. Up here with a couple of A (blame), I’m not trying to own their part, they’re trying to protect and defend themselves from having anything to do with it. So, for the blame part of what’s going on in the relationship, it depends on what and how you want this to turn out. Do you want this to move forward? or, Do you want this to turn out better?
Let’s get to the root of what’s going on. The root of blame is hurt. The reason somebody will blame somebody else is that they already hurt. So, if someone won’t take that efficiency and liability for what they’re doing it’s because they’re already sore and injured deep down inside, and with that level of injury, soreness and hurt on the inside, they just can’t take another hit of being wrong or take another blow to the ego, as because they have made a mistake. It’s so very sensitive that if someone is pointing blame at a person, they will fight back, will defend themselves and blame the person back. So, if in your relationship, you got blame happening, maybe you need to pause for a moment and realize it’s you or it’s them that is hurt, and you didn’t do it. You know, Hurt comes from way far back, from years and years and years ago. there isn’t enough hurt that’s happening in a relationship. We bring hurt to the relationship. Think and ponder on this just for a moment. We bring the hurt to the relationship, that the significant other did not create. Most couples that struggle with the blame experience between the 2 of them, chances are they are hurt. Yeah!! This right here is old, It’s been there for a long time. It’s not fresh either, but a person who is hurt is very slow to take accountability. I will say this again because you must hear this. A person who is hurt on the inside is slow to take the responsibility and consider itself accountable because if they take responsibility and accountability one more time of something they wronged, this hurt could be so much to them it will feel like they will die from it, and when the brain senses how to hurt they are on the inside and knows that they’re on the edge, it will deflect, blame point the finger at anybody else so that that pain of the mistake doesn’t hit on the inside, except for themselves. They just can’t be the problem once more, because it could just be too painful and will feel like they’re just going to collapse. So, you know, when people are... When they become blames and they point fingers at everybody else, sometimes we look at those people and ponder “What’s wrong with them? They shouldn’t do that.” I think we need to look below the surface and go, “Gosh, what’s causing them to be that way?”. Hurt builds up to where they use blame to stay away from the hurt, it’s an escape route, an escape process for that person.
How do you stop the blame game in a relationship?
How do you deal with somebody with a blame situation? How do you do that? Well, if you can talk to them and maybe help them and say, “Hey, I know you’re hurting.” Instead of being mad because they’re blaming, switch the conversation, instead of pointing at blame, point to the hurt and say, “You know what? I see that you do a lot of blaming. Maybe we need to talk about the hurt that you have inside.” I bet you it will shock them you even can see this part, that it hurts them. Now, if you love this person and you care about them, you will bring this up to them. You know, I wonder that maybe whats driving you to blame so much is inside, you’re hurting, and even if they’re like, “No, I don’t know what are you talking about.” Know, they’re hurt, and where there’s hurt ... there are a few other emotions like sad, angry, rejected, to name a few.
So, what will you do to help this person change their way of being? Maybe this is you, maybe what I’m doing here is talking to you so you need to listen to what I’m about to share with you. All of this emotion (sad, anger, rejection,) are right there sitting down in your gut and festering. It’s been there for many years, so here solves your “GUT problem”.
What you need to do is get a pad of paper out or get on your laptop, start typing or writing about how and why you feel. Let its free flow come out of you? It’s called free-flow writing. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, and paragraphs., just go with the flow. Like, “You know what? I’m angry,? I feel sad, I feel hurt kinds of stuff like that...” and you write about these emotions what’s going on inside? “No one will read this”. This is just for you attempting to reconcile what is not okay inside because if this blame is going on, this hurt is in you, only you can manage and handle that doing some self-discovery. So type or write why you’re angry, why you’re hurt, why you feel rejected, why you feel alone. Start writing all these thoughts down. It will come out as a big ugly mess but it’s okay. It’s like... you know if you got a garbage can sit in the kitchen and the garbage has been there for 10 years, what would you say to the person who has got the garbage sitting there? What would you tell them to do? You would tell that person you need to take your garbage out and go dump it. That’s what you would tell, right? and that’s what I’m asking you to do, “Get all that stuff out”. You need to dump it out!. How else is it going to leave your body? It’s not going to evaporate through your skin. It’s not going to come out your hair follicles, it’s not going to drip out your fingers. It’s just sitting there.,and it keeps getting bigger and bigger as the year goes along, and you’re just getting hurt in return. So, if you really want to make a change and get this out from being between you and the person you care about so much, you need to take out your old stuff, this old old stuff that’s in you. You would tell them to take the trash can out and dump it o and just clean the house. You can tell them that it’s yucky, it’s stinky and it’s causing problems and it can make you sick. Hurt, rejected, angry, sad, all of those emotions can make you sick. They can cause illnesses, can cause you to not be who you are. It can change your personality, and so leaving that inside you is Toxic!. Now, what do you do after that? Well, tomorrow or the next day, do it again, and then a day or two later, do it again. It’s going to take you about 3-4 maybe even 5 times to get that out of your system and trust me you’re going to feel much better. You’re going to find that “Blame” doesn’t happen as much as where it was before. You’re gonna notice that you’re starting to coming back, and not going to be so sensitive to what’s happening around you, you will avoid pointing fingers and deflecting things. You’ll be able to start taking responsibility for your life and therefore will do better, but you got to get in there and start moving it, nobody else can do it for you. It’s yours. So you can make that change, do the writing, give yourself a day or two. Do it again and just do this 3 or 4 times, give yourself a day or two in between to kind of recover from it. You’re going to feel so good!! trust me on that., because “You are powerful, You’re limitless”.